You haven’t stolen your mothers items in her house. Have you?
You can’t just steal carelessly in your mother’s house. If you plan to steal, you also have to remember to return everything in place. Including a fullstop or you are screwed. Mothers have eagle eyes you know. They know that that grain of salt was on the left of the torch. Not on the right.
There are these Swiss chocolates that were sent in by my mom’s old boyfie. They were playmates. Had a lot of chamama and chababa and even cut each other’s fingers and sucked each others blood to seal their chababa marriage. Then my dad happened in adulting aaargh. Such a spoiler.
So the two lovers still think of each other and he sends gifts.
But my mom keeps stuff for decades for “visitors”. By the way it’s not plates only. Chocolates, wines, whiskeys, medicine! We knew we wanted chocolate and this was it.She would never remember how many they were. Besides, we could say we saw 2 rats earlier so there was a chance of the rats stealing.
So all Troy needed to do is check and whistle if anyone showed up. This way, I would walk out of mom’s store and pretend to be doing something.
We sleep and in the morning, we signal each other in affirmation that the stealing is still happening. I get to the store. The chocolates are not there. But they were there. Last night, this morning. They were there for a rats’ armpit’s sake…
I start searching. And the store is full. I’m over there climbing things carefully looking for a pack, then Troy whistles. Twice! If it were once, I would try again. Twice! Si I jump down! Everything falls on me. Sugar pours, pasta allover, oil spills. Dang!
I run because either way, I can’t be found there. It will be worse. Then this nail from I don’t know where hooks my trouser. Aaaiii, how? If I’m caught here anyway, I will just say it’s Satan. Infact he was dressed in black and had long horns, one eye and big sharp ears.
I call Troy and he is not being nice. He pulls me away and the trouser gets torn. Trrrrrrrr. My bum is all out.
“Why are you running and what have you done? The mess,” he utters looking at it.
“Si you whistled.”
“Aiiii I was practising! We guys had a rhythmic whistle you pineapple!” he continued.
“Lakini, how was I to remember the rhythm while stealing? Si a whistle is just a whistle! Alafu you practise on the material day? Stealing with some people is just shit.” I say.
By the way I whipped! Alar! And I cleaned it up while being told I should be of good manners like Troy. And he was there eating popcorn as if it wasn’t our deal.
Then I didn’t have evening tea for a week. The sugar I would have used was spared and that money used to replace what I spoilt.
That was some shit thinking. How does about 30 tea spoons of sugar that I would consume for the week equate to spilled oil, unga and pasta?
So juzi, I wanted to steal something again. Mom’s earrings. Cute Swarovski earrings I’d bought her from Dubai. They are still being hoarded prolly for some visitor in 2030.
Aaaiii bana. Even me, my selefu, I’d never worn Swarovski but had gifted her with love and they were just resting over there.
I said I will steal. God will forgive me and I will help her look for them. I decide Troy is shit. But he has been shit anyway. He didn’t even help clean up. Cousins are excempted even with beatings. Your silly arse covers for them.
So I call Dynamic Optical and ask for a new pair of glasses. I tell Gloria that I can barely see well. That I never see my mother when she comes. I just find her in the house. That I wanted to see her in town, getting into her car, driving home, parking and knocking the house door.
Gloria, in her enabler spirit, gets me a nice pair of black framed glasses with golden sides then says
“Your vision is important Tatu. We need you to see well and have healthy eyes.”
So I get very classy glasses. The only thing Gloria doesn’t know is that she aided my acquisition of Swarovski earrings. She even called weeks later to find out how I’m doing. I obviously was doing great in Swarovski.
But now I see. I see far, wide and deep. Ask me about 3050. Are you sure you want to know that you will be gone? Goddammit!